Jul 04 2016

THE LEGEND OF TARZAN TOTALLY SUCKS

Starting a reviews section. When I was in Germany I wanted to stay longer, waaay longer. The only way for me to leave for months at a time and still make money I think is to be a blogger. It seems to be the chillest job. I have this secret future version of myself that is retired and reviews cameras. I think this future self is starting to express itself. Remember how my Instagram account went from “Ray’s Camera” to “Ray’s Electronics” and then finally settled to “Ray’s Reports”. And then this blog started. It is almost not coming from me but from the 80 year old future me like get it going.

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Anyways, Monkey was in town and after a night of partying and a day of sleeping we decided to go see Tarzan. We were both excited about it. The trailer looked action packed and we are huge fans of Greystoke. In fact I paid $95 for a VHS copy of it. Not on purpose did I pay that, I rented it on a friend’s account and didn’t return it. He called me a year later and was like, “Hey man you owe me $95 for losing that tape plus late fees,” “Fuuuuuuck.” I didn’t lose it though. I watched it like 100 times. And I still have it.

This new Tarzan sucks. There that’s it. There was some cool ideas. His hands are all fucked up because he grew up walking and running on all fours. I liked how Jane grew up in the jungle too. But yeah Monkey gave it a D grade. I gave it a C- and I am going to lower it to a D. Tarzan got his ass kicked all over the place. And then when he finally started to kick ass it was too late to convince us. The apes cgi was unoriginal. Also, fuck Samuel L. Jackson. He is done. Why is he not retired. He ruins every movie now. Tarzan and his young jungle crew told him, “If you can’t keep up, you’re dead” and these fools are running flying swinging full speed through miles and miles of jungle and Samuel L. Jackson is on the ground right there in the mix like, “I told yall I could keep up,” WHAT THE FUCK. Ok now I give it an F.

4 thoughts on “THE LEGEND OF TARZAN TOTALLY SUCKS

  1. YEAH!!! YEAH!!! WTF?!?! They could easily have had the Samuel L. Jackson character lagging behind and then lucking out somehow – it could have been a humorous side-plot – and then he could have shown up in time for a more enhanced finale.

    I was really put off by the weight-lifting, steroid-enhanced cast of tribesmen at the beginning. I was thinking the rest of the movie would be messed up the same way, but it seems like someone came along and made the dialog and story much deeper, allowing some fantastic action scenes to take place at appropriate times.

    I’d give the beginning an F, then a C for the middle, then a B for the third quarter, and a AB for the last part. They got rid of the steroid tribesmen after the first part so overall I’d give the movie a B because of the dialog and plot development, though the SLJackson character is written too shallow (or maybe Mr. Jackson was allowed to improvise, though I hope not).

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